Dating and air travel have at least one thing in common: It's rare to see anyone arrive baggage-free. In fact, nearly seven out of 10 people think their partner brings issues into a relationship, a study in
Human Communication reports. Use these tips to handle her baggage with care—and keep it from crushing you.
Her Ex Is a Borderline Stalker
THREAT LEVEL: 5 (out of 10)
Ask Yourself
Is this chump really such a big deal? Exes usually lurk on social media because they can't do it in person, says Brandy Engler, Ph.D., a sex therapist and the author of The Men on My Couch. So don't go postal over a post. "It may have to do with simply fostering a friendship—which is often all that's left," she says.
Consider This
If she's truly moved on, she'll be allergic to nostalgia, Engler says. Look for signs she's dwelling on the past—texting him, meeting him for coffee, accepting his calls. If they turn up, break away.
Handle It
Just bite your tongue—for now. You may feel tempted to call her out or confront the guy, but opt for a quieter power move: Fill her calendar with adventures. Relationships thrive on novelty, Engler says, and planning activities provides you with a strategic advantage. "The more things you give her to look forward to," Engler says, "the less likely she'll be to romanticize the past."
Wrong Move
Going all Alec Baldwin on her. There's a fine line between direct and accusatory. Cross it, and you'll only appear insecure and threatened, says Engler. That's how exes win.
She's a Beauty but Thinks She's a Beast
THREAT LEVEL: 5 (out of 10)
Ask YourselfHow serious is it? Sadly, this is common: Up to 90 percent of women are dissatisfied with their appearance, says Paulette Kouffman-Sherman, Psy.D., a Manhattan psychologist who specializes in relationships. Long term, that could threaten everything from your sex life to your emotional health, she says.
Consider This
Are her girlfriends also this hard on themselves? The journal Sex Roles found that the way a woman thinks about her body is strongly influenced by her friends' feelings about their bodies.
Handle It
Go ahead: Lay it on thick. Tell her how much you love the dimple on her ass and the freckle on her back, says Robyn Silverman, Ph.D., author of Good Girls Don't Get Fat. Avoid staring at potential danger zones, like her stomach. Your thoughtful praise can help her beat back her insecurity and shout down that relentless inner critic.
Wrong Move
Comparing her to other people—even if it's meant to be positive, Silverman says. ("You've always been skinnier than Charles Barkley.") It just shows you're actively monitoring her, which can stoke those insecurities.
Her STD Rhymes with "Burpees"
THREAT LEVEL: 2 (out of 10)
Ask Yourself
Did you sleep with her during the six-month window after she was infected? With genital herpes, that's when the risk of transmission is greatest, according to Peter Leone, M.D., a professor of medicine at the University of North Carolina. The good news: That risk tends to diminish over time.
Consider This
Genital herpes is more common than you think, says Dr. Leone; it affects roughly one in six people. But hey, she got tested and was honest with you, Engler says. "It's a great indicator of her maturity."
Handle It
First, avoid sex during outbreaks, and use condoms, which cut your risk of contracting herpes by about 30 percent, says Dr. Leone. Also, if she pops a suppressive drug, such as Valtrex or Famvir, that risk could drop by another 50 percent. Take all these precautions, and "you could be looking at a 97 percent or better chance of never contracting it," says Dr. Leone.
Wrong Move
Making hasty assumptions about her past. "People have this mistaken idea that if you get an STD, you must have been promiscuous," Engler says. "In reality, most people have the same level of risk."
Your (Idiot) Buddy Dated Her First
THREAT LEVEL: 4 (out of 10)
Ask Yourself
What's the real reason you're twisted up? Usually, it's jealousy—or worse, you're judging her, says Paul Hokemeyer, Ph.D., a Manhattan family therapist. "Don't expect her to be as virtuous as your mom. Dwelling on exes will only make you angry and insecure—and that kills relationships."
Consider This
Believe it or not, this could actually bode well for you: Nineteen percent of married couples met through friends, according to a 2013 study in Proceedings of the Natural Academy of Sciences.
Handle It
Give your pal a courtesy heads-up, says Vinita Mehta PhD., a psychotherapist and relationship expert in Washington, D.C. Then be clear about what you want from her. "She might think you're just after another hookup," says Mehta. "So if you're serious about dating her, say so up front and then follow through." The rest of your issues—those nagging feelings of jealousy—are all ego.
Wrong Move
Using it as ammo in the heat of a fight, says Hokemeyer. Making her feel guilty about a sexual choice is called slut-shaming, and it guarantees you'll have a lonely night.
She's All Sass After the Third Glass
THREAT LEVEL: 7 (out of 10)
Ask Yourself
How often does Mrs. Hyde emerge? Frequent heavy drinking could reflect deeper issues, ones that may require professional help, says Marc F. Kern, Ph.D., coauthor of Responsible Drinking. Otherwise it's mostly a question of self-awareness and her willingness to adjust her ways, says Mehta.
Consider This
A bad drunk is more unpredictable than Joe Biden in front of a hot mike. And if relationships are fundamentally built on trust, Kern says, then you're building yours on an insecure foundation.
Handle It
Time for some tough love. Schedule a sit-down—a sober one—and ask her to reset her limits, Kern suggests. Gently give examples of how she crossed the line. ("You said my haircut looked like a muskrat.") Then set a new threshold—"Let's stick to one glass tonight." If she can't resist the bottle, put a cork in your relationship.
Wrong Move
Expecting she'll change on her own. Hangovers aren't making her any wiser. "Early in relationships, people tend to see positives and dismiss red flags," Mehta says. "That's a mistake you can't afford to make. Speak up."